


Shepard Remembers

by DrowningInTheRainbow



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M, Snippets, spoilers?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 08:54:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7633879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowningInTheRainbow/pseuds/DrowningInTheRainbow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snippets of Shepard (and sometimes Kaidan), remembering.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shepard Remembers

**Author's Note:**

> Just trying to deal with my pent up emotions about this game (which I realize I am so behind on the times)! But anyways there will be more ME stories to come from me in the future so let me know what you think. Also, sorry about the formatting (particularly with quotations) but I wanted to keep each section in one paragraph. Final notes: it's out of chronological order intentionally, but let me know if that affects the piece; sorry if it feels a bit cut short, I wanted to end it on a lighter note than it began.

Shepard remembers a time when his biggest worry was the survival of the colony. He remembers some struggling to survive while others raked in wealth. Of course, his memory also serves him a little too well, concerning colonies: he remembers everything about Mindoir. Sometimes he tries to forget.

Shepard remembers a time when his biggest worry was not letting anyone know, burying secrets, putting on the Commander persona and would never rest in his sleep. Now he laughs and cries, surrounded by friends; at night, he curls into bed next to Kaidan.

Shepard remembers a time when Kaidan and Ashley were arguing over the correct way to utilize the gunnery concerning a mission. It got heated to the point where Kaidan's biotics thrummed in the air and Ashley reached for her weapon. Shepard stepped between them and placed a hand on Kaidan's chest and grabbing Ashley's wrist. Kaidan softened but Ashley stormed off. Kaidan put his hand over Shepard's, before removing it. He thanked the Commander before returning to his duties. Ashley wasn't as grateful.

Shepard remembers a time when Kaidan was quiet. This was unfortunately a common occurrence, but this time in particular was Shepard put off kilter. Kaidan was crying, head buried into his hands, silently. While Shepard had seen grown men cry, never had he so respected the cryer as he had Kaidan. To see the beautiful, strong biotic cave to his emotions; Shepard rarely ever felt so concerned. But as Shepard made his presence known, encroaching upon Kaidan's personal space, the biotic straightened and changed his face into that of an operatic mask. "Yes, Shepard?" he asked coolly. Shepard, shocked at the sudden change, simply backed into the doorway, before murmuring something incoherent and leaving. The next time he saw Kaidan, he put reassuring hand on his shoulder for only a moment, before letting it slip away.

Shepard remembers a time when a thousand questions burned beneath his skin, but could ask none. He has learned so much in these past few years, so much more than the Alliance could ever teach him. But what use is knowledge, when few could share in the wealth of it, he ponders. Then he sits around his friends and asks only one of the questions burning under his skin: “What would the Thorian have done if we didn’t kill it?” The question takes his friends by surprise, there is a twinge of unease in his voice. Kaidan answers truthfully, “We’ll never know” but Garrus gives a more satisfying reply: “Well, it obviously would have remained in control of the colony. Not sure what that really would have done for the thing, but nothing good, to be sure. We were right to kill it, Shepard.” Liara looks a tad bit more uneasy — guilty, perhaps — but remains silent. She knew what Shepard had wanted to hear.

Shepard remembers a time when he believed he was incapable of crying. He would look to the pitiful citizens crying for their loved ones, to the underlings who couldn’t handle the situations the Alliance put them in, and all he would feel was contempt. These people should have known what they were getting themselves into, he would think. Shepard didn’t think of himself as hard-hearted until a simple day in the Traverse. A colony got hit hard by a batarian gang and the survivors weren’t in much of a position to do anything but send out a distress signal. Shepard was assigned to investigate. His men were weak-stomached but they managed to save the surviving colonists. One of his squad found a note to one of the survivors and as he gave the old woman her only son’s lost words, she broke down. Shepard, finally hit with pure grief, comforted her while shedding tears of his own.

Shepard remembers a time when Kaidan was happy. Rare in its own right, even more so compared to the rest of the crew, Shepard tried not to act too surprised. Kaidan was reading something on his data pad as Shepard entered the room. He didn’t set it down so Shepard patiently sat on the couch next to him. Kaidan finally acknowledged Shepard with, “Commander,” but paused. His smile faded just a bit and the Commander realized Kaidan was crying. “I just got word from my parents. Apparently they escaped just before the Reapers hit and an Alliance vessel tracked them down and picked them up.” Kaidan looked up to see a bit of a cross between a grin and a smirk on the Commander’s face. “That didn’t have anything to do with you, did it?” Shepard chuckled and nodded. Kaidan, briefly mad that the Commander would waste a resource on him, settled instead on gratitude and happiness, pulling the Commander into a kiss. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Shepard remembers a time when Kaidan was angry at him. The Commander was used to having his subordinates angry at him, being as young and impersonal as he was. But Kaidan had always connected well with the Commander and rarely disagreed with him. So to have Kaidan storming up to him and pushing him against the wall, well, that was alarming enough. The following anger was over the top. “Kaidan, stop!” Liara had called after him. Tali held her back though, commenting that he needed this. Shepard was alarmed, even more so by Kaidan’s flaring biotics, but held his own. Kaidan looked to be on the edge of tears, but Shepard wouldn’t hold that against him. He knew how hard it was to be angry at decisions you didn’t agree with. Shepard could hardly remember the words that were said but he remembers all too well what it was about: Shepard had chosen data, information on the geth, over a colony’s lives. Kaidan threw the first punch, but Shepard wasn’t going to take it lying down. Only when they were both bloody and bruised did Tali and Liara pull them apart. Shepard could only say, “I did what had to be done, but I am sorry, Kaidan.”

Shepard remembers a time when the world fell away from him. He had experienced death, he had experienced history, but this? This was truly living. Love doesn’t come easily to those who live for death. Some might think that if you surround yourself in killing you might want to find love in every available corner, but that was not Shepard’s case. He was angry all the time and couldn’t fathom even liking another human being. But then he did. If you asked Kaidan when he fell in love with Shepard, he would give you an exact date, hell, maybe even an exact moment. But if you asked Shepard, he couldn’t even give you a vague notion. All he knew is that at one point in his life, Kaidan was just his man, his squad-mate. Then, without any warning, Kaidan became his life. Every shot sent Kaidan’s way made his heart stumble while he raged at the shooter. Every moment of downtime he wanted to spend in Kaidan’s presence. Everyone else was a foggy notion in his mind while Kaidan was the center of his orbit. Of course, it wasn’t until some time later that Kaidan revealed he returned Shepard’s feelings.

———

Kaidan remembers a time when Shepard was tense. This was often, but Kaidan had learned to read every tense muscle in the Commander’s shoulders differently. It was a tense moment when one of the Alliance men addressed Kaidan instead of Shepard. It was a simple “Major” in passing, but to Shepard, it was like the whole world shrugged him off their shoulders and Kaidan was put in his place. How Kaidan garnered all of this from watching Shepard’s shoulders, he couldn’t tell you, he just knew (it wouldn’t be until weeks later he would realize why he knew; why he connected to Shepard so well; why those lingering glances at the Commander’s shoulders would sometimes trail… elsewhere). So later he would corner the Commander in the elevator and ask him with simple words “Does it… bother you, that I technically outrank you, Commander?” Shepard rolled his shoulders. “Only if you plan on commandeering this ship,” he joked. But Kaidan mashed the button to close the elevator doors and placed a hand on the Commander’s shoulders. “Does it bother you?” He asked again. This time, no jokes could save the Commander. He practically collapsed into Kaidan and whispered a simple ‘yes’. They would return to Shepard’s quarters and talk about his unease: Kaidan never left the Alliance (Cerberus), could handle decision making (Ashley), was respected (Anderson), and loved, though Shepard didn’t say that last bit. It would be a long night and, looking back, Kaidan wonders why he didn’t just kiss the Commander then.

Kaidan remembers a time when his biggest worry was the following the word of his Commander. He wasn’t submissive by nature, but there was something simple in following orders. Of course, that all changed when he fell in love with Shepard. Still, he worries about following the Commander’s words, but that doesn’t mean he can’t worry about making sure Shepard knows he is loved, worrying about his lover as he wanders the universe, worrying about being happy and making his Commander happy. There are so many things to worry about, it comes to little surprise when Shepard tells him, “Stop worrying.” Kaidan laughs and kisses the Commander’s wrinkled brow, replying “Only if you do.” Shepard laughs and the two rest a little easier. Their love is filled with endless worry but for tonight, at least, they can forget their worries for a little while.


End file.
